Pink Panties: keanoidd is Doni Santos.

COMELEC smeared shite on all of us.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 02:44:59 GMT

Last 11 November 2009, COMELEC officially denied Ang Ladlad the chance to participate in the 2010 party list elections. COMELEC said that Ang Ladlad advocates doctrines that are immoral, and that it promotes the abuse of the youth by older gay men. COMELEC cited the Holy Bible and the Koran as the basis for calling Ang Ladlad immoral.

Ang Ladlad is a national organization of lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgenders (LGBT) that advocates the human rights of LGBTs in the Philippines. It has been trying to participate in the party list elections since its inception in 2003, and it has been twice denied accreditation.

In 2007, Ang Ladlad was denied participation in the party list elections because, according to COMELEC, there are no gays and lesbians outside Metro Manila; they said that Ang Ladlad only represents the Metro Manila community. As a side comment, then COMELEC chairperson Ben Abalos said that gays and lesbians will not vote for Ang Ladlad; gays and lesbians are too embarrased to come out during the day, so they make like phantoms, coming out only in the dark.

COMELEC raises fresh hell in 2009 by calling all gays and lesbians immoral. According to the COMELEC resolution,Ang Ladlad "tolerates immorality which offends religious beliefs. In Romans 1:26, 27, Paul wrote:

'For this cause God gave them up into vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet'.

In the Koran, the hereunder verses are pertinent:

'For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women "ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds." (7.81). "And we rained down on them a shower (of brimstone): Then see what was the end of those who indulged in sin and crime!" (7:84) "He said: "0 my Lord! Help Thou me against people who do mischief!"(29:30).'

I will not even attempt to enter the discourse of religion in order to defend Ang Ladlad and my lifestyle. That discussion is best left among me, my Church, and my God. However, this arena that COMELEC belongs to is a political arena, and the discourse should be politico-legal. The COMELEC decision should have been based on legal documents and existing public policy; COMELEC did not provide any, and it lifted its judgment entirely from the Bible and the Koran.

My problem with the COMELEC decision is that it invariably violates the separation of church and state, and that it presupposes that the Bible and Koran are legal documents when they are not meant to be so. It would be so funny if it weren't so sad that guardians of our most sacred ballots are idiots whose pompous self-righteousness are horribly misplaced.

Using the Bible and the Koran to disqualify Ang Ladlad is like using a biology textbook to prove the existence of God: the material used is grossly disproportionate to the dimension of discussion. The Bible cannot be used to define what is legally moral: it is a document that was not designed to function that way. Precedents from earlier cases on morality, documented legal cases, and accepted public policy should be used for this purpose. If COMELEC decides to disqualify Ang Ladlad on the basis of morals and good customs, it cannot use the Bible and Koran. COMELEC should look somewhere else.

Also, the passages quoted by COMELEC were lifted from www.bible.org. The commisioners did not even bother to pop open a Bible.

The COMELEC decision also includes a quote from Lehmann Strauss: "Older practicing homosexuals are a threat to the youth." The quote was also taken from the internet, the very same www.bible.org. COMELEC relied on Strauss as the authoritative source for this declaration.

Lehman Strauss may have been a good man, but he is hardly an authoritative source for matters as complex as sexual orientation and religion. He worked as a pastor from 1939 to 1963, and he hosted a radio show. Apart from that, I cannot find any information on his published studies.

I am gay, am growing old, but am definitely not threatening the morals of the youth. As my good friend said, "Hindi tayo THREAT. In fact, tayo nga ay mga TREAT to the youth."

The COMELEC decision was poorly founded, ill-researched, and badly written. It was wrong to use the Bible and Koran in a politico-legal discussion; the COMELEC should start going through official documents of the Supreme Court, like any other implenter of public policy should. They should visit a library soon, and leave the internet to the youth who are trying to find love in their lives. They should also mind their own business, because whom we fuck is our business, not the government's.

Happy at work, but I miss him.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:50:53 GMT

My work life may feel kulang from day to day, but each day I close business, I leave as a happy, fulfilled man. I leave no open business for the next day; all my email has been responded to. (Zero inbox everyday!)

I do my job, I do it well, and, today, I got recognized for it by a very hard-to-please boss. She sent an email to me, my colleagues, and the powers-that-be in the company. This is my second positive feedback from her, and it feels very rewarding.

===

I miss him who makes me smile. The last time we were beside each other was Monday, and we were having some sort of quarrel. It was a very shallow one, and I reacted quite irresponsibly by dashing out the door. He left shortly after.

We ironed things out over the phone, but I am overcome by a feeling of intense guilt. I want to be beside him and touch his skin. Hay, I miss him a lot.

I cannot wait until the weekend.

===

I got sorta bad news from another boss today, but I am happy we resolved it without much drama. I thought I was going to be reprimanded for the gown I wore last Halloween; I was more than relieved to find out it was something else. I've to admit that I was a little surprised that we had to discuss the issue, but reason came just in time, and I realized I did make a mistake on my part.

Anyway, I am sending an official apology in the morning. I already wrote it, and mailed it to my work email.

====

This is Day 3 that my pseudo-sister-in-law (my man's sister) is selling food in our office. It seems promising so far, as she is using my recipes. My officemates respond positively, and seem to be ordering from her more regularly. I hope this continues.

Please keep calling my pseudo-sister-in-law to place orders. Free delivery daw within Eastwood, no minimum charge. :)

===

I wish the mosquitoes in my room would just shrivel up and die. I want to turn on my aircon, but it gets super cold at 4AM. On top of that, I expect my electricity bill to shoot up this month.

What were you thinking, IBM?

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 11:06:08 GMT

This will be the last installment to my tirade against IBM. Let it be known that I love IBM, but, in this instance, it gives me little to be proud of. I do my job, and I do it well, and the least that I can ask from IBM is a little respect for me and my colleagues who recklessly dedicate a huge chunk of our lives to perform well at work.

Relief Goods.

The week following Ondoy, IBM was quick to organize a drive collecting old clothes and relief goods from all IBM employees to be given to distribution centers. IBM called on employees to volunteer packing canned goods, old clothes, and biscuits. I volunteered, understanding first-hand how it was to go underwater in the flood.

One day, one of my officemates brought a huge gift bag filled with groceries. I asked her where it was from, and she told me that it was given to her by a friend who worked in Microsoft. The friend received it because most, if not all, employees of Microsoft received it as goodwill. The friend definitely did not need it, so she gave it to my officemate.

Note that the friend did not need it, but she still received the gift bag filled with at least four thousand pesos worth of goods (the good kind, not just cheap sardines).

Inspired by the generosity of Microsoft, I immediately emailed our bosses about possibly arranging something similar for IBM employees. It would be a good gesture, knowing that every single grassroots team has a discretionary budget of at least one thousand pesos every quarter. That budget is usually spent on treating a team to dinner or a movie. Since not all employees urgently need food, the money can be pooled to significantly assist these employees.

My wonderful boss who is ever so motherly and efficient emailed me that it was indeed a good idea, and that she will discuss the matter with the company. Two weeks after the typhoon, I got an email from HR that I have been identified as one of the employees severely affected by Ondoy, and that relief goods were ready to be picked up by me. I was excited that IBM probably responded to my suggestion. (I have not confirmed if this indeed was the response to my suggestion and my boss's action.)

I got my bag of relief goods, profusely thanked the person who handed it to me, and even commended IBM for finally responding in a concrete manner to the needs of its employees. I am sure it took a lot of heart to individually identify the employees severely affected by the floods.

When I opened the bag of relief goods, I found the following items, among other things.

1. three small cans of sardines
2. a bag of "tasty bread" that just expired
3. a pair of old/stained panties
4. a bag of Fita-like biscuits packed in plastic used for "ice tubig"
5. a blanket
6. old clothes

In fairness, I was able to use the toothpaste, toothbrush, and the scrubbing brush. I gave all of them to my maid who was eager to get free items.

Note that the items were given two weeks after the typhoon. There was no longer an urgent need for small cans of sardines, tasty bread, and Fita biscuits. I wonder what went on in IBM HR's mind when they thought of giving assistance to employees recovering two weeks from the typhoon.

Also, note that some of the goods came from donations collected from IBM employees, not from IBM.

On top of this, I was one of the people who packed these goods. I basically packed relief goods that would eventually end up in my house.

This will sound extremely ungrateful, but, knowing where IBM stands, I found the bag of relief goods insensitive and insulting.

===

I know, this sounds so ingrata from my end. Poor IBM, they were more than willing to help, and here I am lambasting all their efforts.

Before you feel sorry for IBM, consider these things.

1. IBM is a multinational company, meaning that, in the context of prices in the Philippines, it has money to spare. Well, we are in an economic crisis, but not having profits is very different from not having a roof over one's head. We are all going through tough times, but IBM did not lose all its assets in the flood. IBM definitely can afford to set aside a relatively small amount that will immensely help its employees recover from the Ondoy catastrophe.

2. IBM has set aside thousands, maybe even a million, pesos to pay for various human resource development activities. IBM conducts leadership seminars and team building events outside office premises, and these cost a lot of money. IBM can spare money for the production of posters and fliers for campaigns on security and office policies that almost nobody takes interest in. I wonder if these budgets cannot be reallocated to help IBM employees?

IBM can suck me off.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:16:37 GMT

Have I told you how IBM sucked eggs during the Ondoy situation? Well, they sucked at providing us loans in a timely fashion, and, this time, they sucked at understanding in a meaningful way what their employees' real situation was after Ondoy.

Dress-down Week.

From Mondays to Thursdays, employees are expected to wear "business-appropriate" attire in the office. Fridays are more casual, and employees are allowed to wear jeans and collared t-shirts. The week following the floods, IBM employees were allowed to dress down all week.

Dress down was what we did, primarily because most of us had our clothes soiled beyond recognition. In my case, I had nothing, so I was reduced to borrowing clothes from Jair who has a closetful of t-shirts.

Since I had limited money to spend, and buying new clothes could not possibly be my priority, I had to settle for borrowing Jair's t-shirts. Mind you, while they were t-shirts, they were all finely made and I defintely accessorized well. I made sure I did not look disshivelled or third-world.

After only one week from losing everything, I cannot be expected to begin spending copiously on new collared shirts and long-sleeved shirts. I still reported to work in Jair's t-shirts.

Later that week, I was reprimanded for wearing t-shirts to work. I was told our line managers even discussed it in a meeting.

Note that prior to Ondoy, I have always dressed up to the nines, even though nobody asked me to do it. I would dress up impeccably even though the majority of my middle class colleagues dressed shabbily in t-shirts, maong, and rubber shoes.

Note that while some people met every single requirement of the code (collared shirts, slacks), they could never in a million years inspire dignity with their outfits. Picture this: an over-sized maroon collared pique paired with white (i.e. yellowing)canvas pants and leather strappy sandals. A male employee wore this to work. No matter what they say about us being third world, there is no way I would do business with someone who dressed up so mindlessly and recklessly as that.

I only dressed up in t-shirts because they were my only options after the flood. I did buy a long sleeved shirt for work, and I wore it as soon as I could. Of course, the day after, I had no choice but wear t-shirts again.

I hope that before I was reprimanded, my situation and history were considered. I was borrowing clothes, so I was in no place to dictate my options. I have always dressed up nicely; it was clearly not habitual on my end to dress down like I did. I was wearing t-shirts, but I can guarantee that I still out-dressed most of the people I encountered in the office.

I am angry at IBM. Angry.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 11:55:42 GMT

IBM, are you listening to me? Your disaster response meant well, but it was poorly executed because of employee incompetence and mismanagment. I was OK the last few days, then I found time to think about it earlier today. Now, I am fumed.

After the onslaught of Ondoy, IBM offered non-interest-bearing loans to all its employees, and provided relief goods to all employees who were significantly affected by Ondoy. The reminder that employees can avail of the loan came immediately after the horrifying weekend. On top of this, employees were allowed to dress down in the office for a week.

Clearly, IBM meant well. However, the intentions failed miserably in their execution. I blame the incompetence of the employees and managment. There was little forethought to the rational and actual contribution of IBM's efforts; IBM wanted to do something, and it seemed like it did not matter whether there was real support provided to its employees as long as it had an activity for the typhoon that it can log as "disaster response."

Company Loan.

All employees, upon hiring, are informed that they can avail of a non-interest-bearing emergency loan from the company, up to a ceiling of one month's base salary (two in exceptional cases). IBM was quick to remind all employees via email blast that everybody can take this chance to apply for an emergency loan.

The nature of an emergency loan is that it is needed urgently. Otherwise, the emergency loan will just be any other type of loan. In IBM, it usually takes 5 working days to process an emergency loan. That is a week-long wait for the employee, and, in the case of Ondoy, seven long days for typhoon victims who lost everything in the flood.

I lost all my belongings in the flood. I had no wallet, no money, no clothes, and no documents to show. I also had nowhere to live if I were to depend on my own resources.

Friends from work told me that they were required by HR to provide documents proving that they, indeed, were affected by the flood. A barangay certification showing that the employee's residence indeed went underwater, and a statement of account from the hardware store giving an estimate of costs for house repairs: these were demanded from the employee.

Given that the barangay office also went underwater, and that hardware stores in the neighborhood presumably went Third World Atlantis along with the employee's house, it is understandable that these documents cannot be produced immediately. IBM did not understand this. Hence, the employees had to wait until these offices can produce the documents, further delaying the delivery of the much-needed money.

(To be continued.)

No more cancer treatments.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 08:02:47 GMT

Hullo, friends and loved ones. Maraming salamat for all your support and prayers. We have now finished all my cancer treatments! No more chemo and radiation! We are done!

I am very, very happy that the side effects have started to dwindle, and I am now getting my old self back. I have started to grow more hair; I can even grow a goatee now. I have eyelashes again, with stunning eyebrows in tow. I can now shave everyday, and I have never been more thankful for my use of razors. I have a more normal hair growth on my scalp, too!

The daily vomiting has diminished as well, and my digestion is slowly getting back on track. I have started to lose weight consistently, which only means that my metabolism is slowly climbing up again. I am also having fewer episodes of manic-depression.

Apart from the diminished energy reserves and bad skin, I am almost completely normal. Friends, maraming salamat for all the help, support, prayers, love, and positive vibes. We would not have made it without all of you.

Here goes to happier days!

We survived the flood.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 13:22:32 GMT

It is a week too late for an update, but I am still happy to let you all know that Jair and I are safe. We survived the Marikina flooding, and we are more than happy that we got out just in time. We are safe, well, and here to stay for another lifetime.

===

The flood water took no more than 15 minutes to swallow up my entire house. Jair and I barely had time to latch ourselves on the grills of my gate before the floods came rushing in.

Everything I owned went underwater, and the only thing we got was our cellphones. We were both in our boxers and nothing else. We were screaming for help, and our kind neighbors let us into the second floor of their house.

===

The water continued to rise up the second floor of our neighbor's, and we started to panic again. We decided to dismantle the grills to the windows so we can make the jump into the water. By then, the water was way above the trees in our neighborhood.

Some men and a discarded mattress floated by the window, and we jumped into the water. The current was pretty strong, but the danger was getting our arms and legs tangled in the electric lines on top of the posts. We tried hard to keep our extremeties in the floating bed until we got to dry land.

===

Since we had no money and nothing more than our phones and boxers, we realized we cannot stay where we were. I tried calling friends from Katipunan, but none of them were home or within reach. We got to my friend Bemz, and she told us to come over. She lived in Anonas, and we were in Marikina.

We decided to walk our way to Bemz's, but we were barefoot. First things first: we needed slippers. We knocked at neighbors so we can borrow slippers.

One fat woman refused to lend us slippers, and she lived just a block from where we lived. There were at least three idle pairs of slippers lying in front of us, but she still said, "Ay, wala kaming chinelas." I will never forget her greed. Good thing her companion gave up his slippers, and we got another pair from another kind neighbor.

We walked to Anonas, and we passed through Xavierville. After an hour and a half's walk, we reached a dead end where the flood was way above seven feet. We walked back to Katipunan, then we passed through Project 3. It took us another hour and a half before we reached another flooded road. We encountered more dead ends and more flood before we reached Anonas, where more people were wading through dirty flood waters.

We walked a total of four hours. It does not sound that bad, but having no food and multiple cancer treatments ongoing, we were lucky we survived.

Bad day.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 01:06:48 GMT

I am having a terrible start for my day today. My anger is swelling up inside like an ocean tide.

I would have been ready to leave the house by 6.45am today, in time for my ideal arrival time of 7.00 at the office. However, I kept on changing outfits because none of them fit at all, and everything made me look fat. I got out of the house 45 minutes later, and spent forty minutes on the road. It usually takes me ten minutes lang.

When I got to the building, I was just in time for the elevator. I rushed to push the Open Button, and the guy inside the elevator saw me running. Instead of holding the door, he deliberately pushed the Close Button to speed up the shutting of the elevator door. He had the satisfied look on his face that he was able to one-up someone today. As the door closed on me, I raised my arms and screamed at him, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I can't do this anymore.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:48:34 GMT

I cannot sleep, and I am very tired. I just wish all of this was over.

I do not look forward to waking up anymore. I know that when I get up, I will have to pretend to everyone that I am strong, that I am well, that I am not breaking down. I cannot break down around people, or I will disappoint everyone. It's eating me up that I have to lock myself up in the bathroom to cry when I feel spent. As soon as I leave the bathroom, I feel obligated to be noisy and happy again. Nobody, nobody wants to look at sad, sick people.

When I wake up in the morning, I feel disappointed that I didn't just die the night before. Every single day I wake up is a day to fight again. I am too tired of struggling. I do not want to fight anymore.

I've been told I'm stupid for wishing for my own death. What many people don't get is that they do not feel razors down their throat everytime they swallow. I am past the worst, yes, but let me tell you: nothing is more painful than pain that is here and happening now.

I cannot swallow without feeling burning and slashing down my throat. I feel like throwing up in the most inopportune times. The skin on my chest and back is tender and raw. The nausea is not as bad as chemo nausea, but I still feel sick all day long. I laugh, I talk, I scream like the queen that I am; however, I am tired being strong for everyone else.

I survive my days, yes, but I will be honest: I do not feel alive anymore. I feel no drive to do anything. I just want to get through my day, hoping that it will be the last. Feeling this sick is no way to live. I am tired of being a burden to everybody I love. I am tired being a burden to myself.

I look forward to nothing anymore, knowing that as soon as I feel well, I will have to go through painful treatments yet again. I do not want this anymore.

I am not praying for strength anymore. I just want peace. I just want rest.

Somebody died.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 02:09:28 GMT

I saw a person die of cancer today.

I was waiting for my turn at the Radiation Oncology Center this morning, and this middle-aged woman undergoing chemo was on a wheelchair a few steps away from me. She was barely conscious given all the pain she is going through, and her female companion was trying to comfort her with a massage. A moment later, her companion was shaking her rather forcibly, and she was not responding. When the nurses approached her, she was already dead.

The radiologist told me that the lady died from complications of her chemo. It is difficult to see people dying of the treatment, and not so much the disease. There really is a huge risk when one signs that consent form for chemotherapy.

Cancer woes.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 14:22:22 GMT

Today, I went to the fourth of my 30 sessions of radiation. I was waiting in line, and I was eleventh of around eighty (80) people undergoing cancer treatment via radiation. I was the second youngest person in line, the youngest being this cute teenage boy (barely legal hottie, in fact) who is forthcoming, but is terrified of the chemo he will undergo after 45 radiation sessions.

On the other side of the room, there was this woman who was undergoing chemo and radiation at the same time. Her sister was massaging her arthritic knees and painful shin bone. (There is intense, unrelenting pain in the bones during chemo when the bone marrow is dying.) Her husband was rubbing her shoulders, and her face registered nothing but physical anguish with all the pain and discomfort she was feeling. (I really wanted to offer rubbing her feet, but I held back, thinking how freaky I might seem.)

The couch area beside my seat was crowded by two ladies in their early forties wearing really bad wigs and even worse make-up. They were accompanied by a woman and her son, presumably there to offer moral support to either one of the ladies. The two cancer patients were nagchi-chismisan the entire time I was there. They smiled at me when they noticed I was staring at them.

My favourite fellow in this battle with cancer is this woman in her early fifties, small of frame, with chinky eyes. Whatever her outfit is, she wears a deep violet bonnet that covers her head up to the lower tip of her ears. She had finished chemo recently, and her hair has only started to grow back. Today is her last day of radiation, and she will be due for a CT scan/ PET scan soon. She hopes for a result of "cancer-free," but there is no kidding around with her. She knows that the she is only cancer-free until the next PET/CT scan in three months.

Incidentally, today is the first day I am feeling side effects from the radiation treatment. It has started to become difficult to swallow, and the vomiting has started. I spent almost half of the day hurling in the bathroom.

After my radiation session today, I ran to the bathroom to cry. It was overwhelming to be with 80 other people who have cancer. It's just too much suffering and pain in one room.

I feel so defeated already. I am tired, and my spirit is broken. Please pray for strength.

Hullo, Captain Obvious.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 00:53:31 GMT

I saw this video of Vice Ganda being terribly annoyed at a sales person for asking her whether the outfit she was fitting was for her.

Sales Person: Sir, sa inyo po?

Vice Ganda: Hindi, sa babae sa kabilang fitting room. Ako na lang ang magsusukat. Baka maabala ko pa sila!

I love the humour of the situation, and I have had more than my fair share of people asking me for the obvious answers.

Like yesterday, it was raining so hard that the sky was black. It was almost flooded here in Eastwood, and we were all in the office. I was reading the news, and I shared the information I received with all the parents here at work.

Doni: Wala na raw pasok sa elementary at high school. Ipasundo na ninyo ang mga anak ninyo.

Friend: Talaga? Bakit naman suspended ang classes?

Doni: Masyado raw matingkad ang araw. Baka masilaw ang mga bata.

===

The other day, I called home for the driver to pick me up at the office.

Doni: Paki-sundo na ako sa office, please.

Driver: Kuya, kayo po? Sa office po ba?

Doni: Hindi. Sunduin mo ang kapatid ko sa Singapore. Nagtataka nga ako bakit ako pa ang tumawag sa iyo para magpasundo.

===

I cut and colored my hair bright red one time, and I went to work.

Friend: Ay, ang ganda naman ng hair mo. Nagpagupit ka ba? Kinulayan mo?

Doni: Ay, hindi. Kusang umurong ang buhok ko, at talagang napahiya kaya namula nang ganyan.

I am so sick for finding this hilarious.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 19:09:55 GMT

For a person dealing with cancer, I have a sick sense of humour for finding this comic funny. :)

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Never forget.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 12:09:17 GMT

Please do not forget all the times that you have been cruel to me, because I won't. I needed you, and you revelled in your power to call the shots. You dealt your favours to me with so much whim, you enjoyed it that I needed you.

Now, my luck is turning. When everything has fallen into place, you will want me with an aching pain. You will be at my feet, worshipping me. You will pray to me, and you will beg.

Make no mistake: I will extend you twice the kindness that you denied me. I will pick you up, acknowledge your prayer, and do what I can to fill your need. I will be there for you as I have always been. You can bet on my life that I will always break your fall.

However, my kindness is exceeded only by my memory. I will forget the details, but the story will forever be etched in my mind. I will remember your cruelty, and I will allow the pain to fester. As you appeal to my mercy, I will silently relish the moment when you are embarrassed by your own cruelty and the undeserved kindness from me. I will be kind; I will say nothing.

But I will never forget.

Quick updates from the lazybones.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 09:30:29 GMT

I've tons of stories for everyone, and I will get to everything when all is good. I will leave you with a few updates for now. :)

===

I just got home from my last cycle of chemotherapy! I am very, very excited that it is over, and am looking forward to my recovery period.

I am still terrified about it being the last, as my previous tests showed that my cancer was still around. I had always hoped that the next round of chemo would take care of it, but I am now at my last, so there isn;t a next round. Let's hope for the best, people. This last chemo should take care of all the loser cancer cells!

Storm the heavens with prayers! :)

===

My very good friend Ms Burns (Owie to everybody else) and I caught up last week after literally ten years of not seeing each other. It is amazing that we managed to stay in touch even after years of not being really in contact.

She wrote these blog entries about our meeings, and they are heart-warming to say the least.

A miracle for my friend Doni.

My birthday is in 10 days, and I finally know what I want — instead of any gift. All I want for my birthday is for Doni to be well. For him to feel God’s love more than ever before. So, would you please keep my friend in your prayers as a birthday gift for me? If the chemo can’t zap all those fiesty cells — I’m sure God can.

Update on DOni: his last chemo cycle today.

I have to admit, I didn’t know what to expect. I’ve never seen anyone go thru chemo. I was scared, primarily because I was scared of hospitals. But the thought and promise that God was already healing Doni was way way stronger than any fear. So the creeping fear was replaced with the excitement of knowing that Doni is gonna be diagnosed as cancer free. (I declare it, in Jesus’ name!)

===

Years ago, I made a mental note to make nurses and doctors who treat me laugh or at least smile. I only remembered last Friday that it was from Ms Burns's dad that I learned that. He died of brain cancer years ago, and Ms Burns told me how much he poked fun at the nurses who came into his room, all this despite all the pain he was going through. I never forgot the lesson, and it was very inspiring to remember that I got it from him.

===

Last Friday, too, I met Jair's lovely officemate JZ. I hadn't met JZ in person before, but I have a very clear picture of her belly in my head. People at Jair's office would love drawing faces on her pregnant belly and take pictures of it. Jair would show me the pics, and I would laugh endlessly.

Lovely woman, lovely meal. Perfect first date with her. :)

===

My nephew, who is only one year and ten months old, has started reading. He can read words off flashcards now, with his cute tiny voice. He goes, "Stars! Arms! Car!"

Cuteness.

===

I made tuyo pasta for Jair and his family, recipe courtesy of the ever so wonderful chinkchilla. They all loved it, and I, myself, and still craving for it. I am definitely making that one again very soon.

Nakakaawa na ang level of stupidity.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 03:21:45 GMT

Hindi ko na kaya si Carlo Caparas and his wife Donna Villa. Ibang uri na ang katangahan nila.

Carlo Caparas.

Madaling gumawa ng pagsulat, katulad ng ginagawa ni Dr Lumbera.

Wala akong balak isoli [ang National Artist Award.] Alam ko na bagay sa akin ang karangalang ito.

Lumbera, Sionil-Jose, Almario, hindi na nakikilala ng sambayanan ang ginagawa ninyo. Ang mga kababyaan ko, nakikita ang mga obra ko.

Deserving ako sa National Artist. Yung isang nang-massacre, nahuli habang pinalalabas ang pelikula ko dahil ipinakita ko ang [cartographic] sketch sa pelikula ko.

Donna Villa.

Itong mga nagrereklamo [laban kay Carlo Caparas], mga wala namang trabaho, jobless!

[Ang mga National Artists na yan,] mostly retired or hindi successful sa field nila.

ANd this is probably the best quote from DOnna Villa:

Yung kanila [na napanalunang National Artist award,] isoli din nila. Because I also feel they’re not deserving.

We can survive with or without a National Artist award... My God... hindi na kailangan pa ang mga ganyan. Parang added ano lang ‘yon... yung laurel... parang icing on the cake.

We have just been insulted.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 06:27:36 GMT

As a lot of you know, Carlo Caparas has been named by Malacanang as a National Artist. He now joins the highly regarded Order of National Artists of the Philippines, the highest honor that can be given to any person in the arts. Before Caparas came these brilliant artists.

- Lino Brocka, Ishmael Bernal, and Eddie Romero for film.
- Atang dela Rama, Rolando Tinio, Salvador Bernal for theatre.
- Alejandro Roces, Nick Joaquin, NVM Gonzales, F Sionil Jose, Virgilio Almario, and Edith Tiempo for literature.
- Levi Celerio and Atang dela Rama for music.

Caparas is known for his "pito-pito movies," film vehicles (note: film vehicles, not films) that took around seven days from production to public release. He also dabbled (note: dabbled, not worked) in komiks when he was younger. In our time, he is famous for making massacre movies. His masterpieces follow.

1. Vizconde Massacre Story (God, help us!)
2. Vizconde Massacre Story 2 (God have mercy on us!)
3. The Lipa Massacre (Lord deliver us from evil!)
4. Maggie dela Riva Story (God... why me?)
5. The Lillian Velez Story (In God, we trust.)

Caparas has gained popularity, too, because of his recent stints as a soap opera director. His ouvre includes Totoy Bato, Tasya Fantasya, Joaquin Bordado, and Gagambino.

One can see the body of work that artists working in film have to contend with this year.

Annoying as it already is, Caparas finds the gall to defend his right to get the National Artist Award. "Baka ang nasa isip nila ay bata pa ako. Pero hindi naman ‘yon ang basehan."

"Mabuti na nga at ngayon pa lang ay ibinibigay na ang ganitong award sa mga taong nandito. Ang akala kasi nila ay sa matatanda o sa beterano o sa mga patay na ibinibigay ang ganitong award." I suspect that in his world, Dolphy and Mike de Leon have either died or do not deserve recognition.

His wife's insouciance is even more chilling. "Even Jesus Christ was criticized because of his boldness to save mankind from sins. ’Yang mga critics na ‘yan, wala namang nagagawa ang mga ‘yan. Magtigil na nga sila. Patunayan muna nila ang nagawa nila sa komiks at sa pelikula. Kahit sa TV.”

Spot.ph reports that Caparas’s attire for the awarding ceremony will be his trademark baseball cap and jeans. I can feel the wind whistling in my bones.

I have no problem with stupid people. My issue has always been with idiots who fancy themselves as intelligent. This is exactly what we have here: Caparas and Villa clearly have no idea what the value of the National Artist Awards is.

Gawa tayo ng pelikula: The National Artist Awards Massacre (God save us from Carlo J. Caparas!).

I am angry at this Cory hater.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 06:53:36 GMT

My friend M is a rabid activist for the rights of the poor. He has nothing but contempt for everybody who takes advantage of the down-trodden, especially those who are working in the government, the very people responsible for protecting the weakest in society. M has seen, first-hand, soldiers abducting his fellow activists, friends who later resurface as cadavers floating in creeks. He also witnessed how his family struggled to stay afloat as administrations failed to deliver its promises to alleviate the condition of the poor. M had a hard life, and I cannot imagine the things he has experienced first-hand. If only for that, I have respect for M.

Today is Cory Aquino's funeral, and the nation is grieving for the loss of a good woman. Cory was a refreshing character. She had integrity, and this is more than we can say for many people who have served us in government. Her uprightness was always unquestionable, and, her mistakes can never be pointed to a corruption of morality. Cory was a good person, and, if only for this, she deserves our respect.

A few hours earlier, M posted this in Facebook: "Condolence [sic]to the Cojuanco and Aquino families! Justice for all the victims of the Mendiola and Hacienda Luisita Massacre! Let us struggle for genuine democracy." I sensed that M was pointing to some sort of poetic justice, where Cory's family is now feeling the sting of a death in the family. Such deaths were dealt to the victims of the Hacienda Luisita Massacre, when allegedly the family of Cory ordered the shooting of innocent farmers in their plantations.

I commented that I did not like the spirit in which the statement was made, and I received this reply.

"Ayun, sorry Doni, kung na-offend ka, but I thats how I feel, especially when our family was directly affected when she was the president... [The] Cojuanco goons were taking notes of our everyday life... We see them all the time, [and] we were scared.

I am not sorry however to call for justice to the halpless victims of her administration and family."

I got really worked up by the rationalization he attempted to provide me, and I wrote him a very angry letter.

"Hindi kasi ngayon ang oras para pag-usapan yan, M. Hindi naman bawal, hindi naman masama. Tanga ba akong matuwa sa nangyari sa Hacienda Luisita? Pero tasteless lang pag-usapan ngayon, walang delicadeza. Kasi huling oras na kasi ni Cory ito, siya na muna ang bida. Pwede mo naman pag-usapan ang mga kasalanan ng pamilya niya sa ibang araw.

Malungkot ang pamilya nila dahil may namatay silang kamag-anak. Sigurado ako, alam mo ang pakiramdam ng taong namamatayan. Namatayan ka na rin naman. Hindi perpektong tao ang mga namamatay sa iyo, pero ayaw mo rin naman pag-usapan ang mga kasalanan nila habang nililibing sila.

Kaunting respeto kay Cory, M. Kalimutan mo nang naging presidente siya. Nagagalit rin naman ako sa mga pagkukulang niya. Pero tao siyang namatay; kahit man lang dahil sa tao siya, igalang mo siya at ipagpaliban mo na ang pagdamay sa pangalan niya sa ginawa ng pamilya niya.

Oo, nagagalit ako, M. Cory deserves your respect, if only for the fact that you are able to rally your cause because she took up the responsibility to be your President when nobody wanted to stand up against Marcos. Kung hindi tinanggap ni Cory ang pagiging Presidente, hindi mapapatalsik si Marcos. Ni hindi mo man lang mapapag-usapan ang mga karapatan mo bilang tao at bilang Pilipino.

Mahiya ka naman sa taong nagbalik sa yo ng karapatan mo. What you said was tasteless and very, very insensitive. I expected more from you, M."

Cory was a good person. She deserves more than what any one of us can give, and she definitely deserves more than being treated with disrespect on the day of her funeral.

Tita Cory.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 09:10:19 GMT

Salamat, Tita Cory, for putting up a big fight. That was never a battle you deserved to fight; neither was it a battle easily conquered. Your cancer was our cancer, and we felt your pain. It was a struggle from the start, and we can only feel relief that you are finally through with it.

However, we all knew it was a battle you were going to get through. Your presidency was a battle too big for a humble housewife like you; you barely had two months of political experience when you faced the giant Marcos. You did not deserve to be taxing yourself so heavily with reorganizing this pain-stricken country we have. Yet you managed to get through everything, and you did so with your integrity intact.

You were a proper person in politics and in your battle with cancer. You kept your dignity in both struggles, and you unwittingly gathered everyone's support simply by being true to your heart. Heaven has been stormed by prayers coming not from many individuals, but from a people longing to get what is most fitting for its national mother.

Yes, Tita Cory, you were a mother to this country. In politics and in your personal life, you became a mother to all of us. You may not have been the most politically savvy leader of the Philippines, but you were, without question, this nation's most morally upright leader. By being a good person, we have been inspired to be persons as unblemished as you.

They say that the most effective prayers are the prayers from the sick. I am happy that I am not yet well, if only because I am able to pray for you more effectively now. May you find eternal peace, Tita Cory. May your goodness will live with us for many, many years.

Look at what I found.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 18:30:28 GMT

A few days ago, I decided to delete 30GB worth of information from my computer. I salvaged a number of files from the clutter, and I unearthed some audio files I recorded from a lifetime ago.

(For those who have not had the pleasure of hearing my voice before, this is your chance.)

A few lifetimes ago, I was ambushed by students and reporters for information regarding my advocacy for gay rights. I kept on answering the same questions over and over that I used to kid, "Kung recording artist ako, naka-platinum na ang album na ito."

I recorded a series of these audio files, discussing the usual topics interviewers would ask our organization. I gave them out to students and reporters who wanted to learn about what we fight for, but did not have the time or resources to read about Philippine gay politics.

The format is a lecture, so it does sound boring. Students and reporters loved these files, though, as they were packed with information as broccoli is packed with nutrients.

People in sheep's clothes.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 16:32:41 GMT

Di ko kinaya.

I got this message in Facebook. The person was trying to add me to his list.

"it's not that I don't like it or anything but is that picture really u?..sorry for asking but I'm tired of people that are hiding in sheep's clothes..=p"

Ako rin, maloloka kung may mga taong magtatago sa damit ng sheep.

I miss Rene Requiestas.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 19:25:58 GMT

Whimpering out.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 01:44:15 GMT

When people tell me that I am strong, I think they refer to the fact that I will myself to stay alive every single day despite all the physical pain I go through in battling cancer. I assure you that the pain is a test to my limits of tolerance, and it does take me to points of desperation I have never encountered before.

Think of the most painful migraine you have ever had, and magnify that pain a hundred times. You are still nowhere close to the pain I endure for hours. And the migraine is now the least of my worries, as my digestive system has decided to fail. My stomach cramps are so painful that the migraines feel like a welcome distraction.

Truth be told: I no longer will myself to stay alive; I just pray that the pain will go away. I am not as strong as people think. Left to my own devices, I would opt to die (either slowly by the cancer, or instantly through suicide). I do not have the heart to do any of this, and the little courage that I have is already spent.

I have never been afraid of death. I have always thought of it to be as relaxing as sleep. What terrifies me shiteless is pain. I have always been terrified of pain. If anyone threatened to kill me, I will not wince. However, if anyone threatened me with torture, I will fold at the first chance.

I am not strong; I have spent every ounce of courage that is in me. I have nothing left in me to fight this pain. My loved ones are strong, and they are the only ones propping me up. Please keep praying for Jair, my mum, and my sister that their strength never fails. I know mine already has.

My most terrifying hospital experience.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Wed, 20 May 2009 15:44:26 GMT

My third chemo session proved to be the worst so far.

First, my porta-cathe (that metal port surgically inserted in my chest to facilitate the introduction of chemo drugs) got clogged, and this did not allow any fluids to enter my body through the port. The five residents who tried to insert an inch-long needle through my chest did not realize it was clogged. So they tried to insert the fucking needle seven times. Seven stabs through my chest.

This would be no problem if the needle were thin, or that if I healed quickly. The needle was as thick as your mechanical pencil's lead, and it takes me two weeks to heal a puncture wound as small as a needle prick. Think seven of these puncture wounds are on my chest, one dangerously sitting beside the other. One can literally scoop out my flesh with a fingernail.

Second, the last surgeon who tried to poke a hole into me flushed my clogged porta-cathe with saline solution. Since it was clogged, the fluid collected in my chest, and my right chest swelled. I practically had a breast of bruise, blood, and water. Apart from the aesthetic horror, the risk of infection was so high, it could have been fatal. The porta-cathe is directly connected to my heart; any infection directly poisons my heart. I am now on antibiotics just in case the infection gets out of control.

Third, since my porta-cathe was not available, the chemo drugs had to be introduced through my arm. The blasted chemicals went through my arm like a bitch, and my veins were burning for the entire five hours. It did not help that I was partly sedated, as I could not scream out the burning pain that was in my arm. Five endless hours of burning inside my veins, and I could not even scream.

My arms and legs are now thick with water retention, and my migraines and body aches are starting. Of course, the vomiting is a staple to the chemotherapy.

I remember screaming at the nurses and the residents during my first night at the hospital. It felt awful, because I knew it was not really their fault, and they did not want any of that to happen. It's just that I was in so much pain, I hated everyone.

It didn't help that I was alone that night. I felt so alone and had nobody to talk to who could be strong enough for my ailing faith.

I do not wish cancer on anyone. Really, no experience has ever made me feel more alone than this one. I know everyone wants to help, but when it comes to experiences like this, I'm all alone.

Baby, baby, baby.

donisantos.angladlad@gmail.com — Fri, 15 May 2009 05:21:59 GMT

J'adore cette video!